You have devoted several hours of your time, energy and emotional wellbeing to someone who abuses you mentally and in some cases physically. They spend hours wearing you down, belittling you and destroying every inch of your life and self-worth. They use every single flaw that you have against you and they never hold back on informing others of these too. Yet, you still crave for their undivided attention whether this is destructive or not. You feel that any attention that you do receive is far better than no attention at all.
You have grown so accustomed to the cycles of abuse that even after they have left, you still act and behave in the same way as if they were still around. They still plague your mind with destructive thoughts and you find yourself filling your new found void with anything toxic because you genuinely believe that you don’t deserve anything better. You have grown so accustomed being controlled, that you don’t know how to live your life any other way.
You mirror the cycles of abuse by self-destructing, you are in complete denial of how vulnerable you actually are. Because of the devastation left by your abuser, you are unable to trust any other person let alone yourself and unless you allow yourself to heal properly before entering a new relationship, you fall in danger of attracting and accepting untoward attention because you view this as normality. You are unable to accept any genuine offers of support, kindness and love because of all of the destruction, drama and chaos heavily embedded inside your brain. You feel terrified, angry and numb and you spend the majority of your new found freedom feeling empty, lonely, lost, worthless and repulsive. Anything and everything triggers your deepest and darkest senses of fear and despair and you spend whatever alone time you have, re-enacting the same events of your past over and over like a horror movie. You are left feeling completely broken, isolated and damaged beyond repair, you have no sense of what a normal and loving relationship actually feels like and you feel trapped in that never ending cycle of destruction.
Breaking the Cycle;
Healing after any kind of abuse is hard and can take a great deal of time and energy to overcome the devastation caused by someone who doesn’t truly value your worth. You have been left with a huge void in your life and you may experience the feelings and symptoms similar to that of grief. Allow yourself to grieve and allow yourself time to heal. Healing won’t be easy at first, but with the right help, guidance and support you will eventually flourish and become stronger day by day. Healing after abuse requires a lot of self-care and self-evaluation. You may experience addiction withdrawal symptoms; although you do not miss being abused, you may miss the highs and the euphoric feelings that come with the cycle. These voids can be easily filled with destructive types of behaviour, try to break these habits by filling the void with something creative and enjoyable. If you are finding it hard to find something that you enjoy, keep trying new things until you find something that you do enjoy. Remember to take your time and accept that healing will take great deal of time, take as much time required for you to get better. Any kind of trauma takes time to heal from and whilst you are dealing with loss of a person who has temporarily disrupted your life, you are also dealing with the loss of yourself. Strip back to basics at home, speak to a trusted manager at your workplace and take time off if need be. Remember to try and eat, sleep, exercise and rest when required. Seek therapy if needed such as CBT and meditation, this may help you on your journey to recovery. Your self-esteem will have taken a severe knock so remember to celebrate small wins and achievements no matter how tiny these may seem. You don’t need anyone else’s validation when it comes to achieving these things nor do you need anyone else to improve your self-esteem or self-worth. This must come from within and you need to learn how to love and value yourself for who you really are. Try not to isolate yourself too much but at the same time, keep your circle of friends and certain family members tight until you can learn how to trust again. Try to lay off social media whilst you are feeling upset as the false perception of others doing well can make you feel worse. Try to avoid toxic people who will try and interfere in your healing process, the people who really do care about you and your wellbeing will encourage you to become the best that you can be.
Try to be kind to yourself because this is something that you definitely do deserve and hold on to that hope, belief and faith because the pain you are feeling right now, will one day be a thing of the past.